Back to 1

Relapse after 38 days.

I’ve had about a million of them. In Atlanta I don’t think I was serious enough to really get myself cleaned up. Just wasn’t ready. Just didn’t want it. Well, I want it now. I am tired of constantly destroying my life and then spending all of the energy I have trying to constantly rebuild it and repair the damage done.

This time I have destroyed my relationship and nearly had family turn their backs on me because of it. Nether of these are a first. I’ve lost a lot to my drinking and my drug abuse over the years. I am just hopeful that I can pull myself out of the fire one last time and make this take. Maybe even get her back…that’s too far away to think about now.

Point is, it’s time. It’s been time for a long time and I see that more clearly than ever. Even through the haze of tears I am fighting back as I type this. That’s all. Back to square/day 1.

26 thoughts on “Back to 1

  1. take it a day at a time man. you can do this. it’s hard and you’ll probably have to change some of the people you associate with, but sometimes it’s what you have to do. i’m pulling for you man.

      1. first thing you need to do is just stop going to clubs and bars. Just stop. Don’t go. Time to grow up and out of it. It is not a healthy or productive environment or way to spend your time. If you have to go to a bar for a show or exhibit, don’t drink. Just DON’T buy a drink. Don’t accept a drink. Stay away from the club scene, and most of the people in it, because they are stuck too. They don’t evolve, and you won’t either as long as you stick around there. This is coming from someone who has been there. Good luck and God bless.

      2. also, humble yourself and ask your higher power for help. If you don’t believe in a higher consciousness, consider the possibility there might be one. Just for a moment, abandon any entrenched beliefs, humble yourself, and ask. Just ask. And wait for the tiniest flicker of an answer. Soon they will become more palpable, and you will become stronger, rooted in a foundation that is greater than yourself. You won’t find this in social status, beautiful women, drugs and alcohol, money and possessions, clothes/tattoos/adornments. Abandon petty concerns and be willing to trust, just a little. Little by little. You may be thinking some religious nut has hijacked your page. Religion isn’t the answer, a relationship to something greater than yourself is. ONLY this can bring you peace and direction. Wholeness. Think about it, how has what you have been doing for several decades been working for you? You have spent all that time on a cycle of self-destruction. All you have been able to derive, and all you will derive from the scene you have been involved in is drama, disappointment, petty backbiting, drunken stupors, shallow exoteric interests. Everyone is fervently trying to outcool each other. You know this from the earliest days in the scene until now, it doesn’t really change. Think about all the people you know who are still doing the same old shit and never getting anywhere. What an empty life it is when it revolves around this tired, pedestrian social scene that has nothing of value to offer. The true friends that you have will still be there. The others should be left to fall by the wayside where they belong. It’s time for something different. You are worth more than this. You have a higher power that loves you and wants you to be healthy, happy, have peace of mind, do good for others, trust in Him (I say him but you can insert Her or It-doesn’t matter), wants you to be a successful artist if that is your heart’s desire, and will HELP you do all this, if you set aside the mess you have made of your life, humble yourself, and ask. Get down on your knees, acknowledge your mistakes to that One, not just your friends. Ask and it will be given to you. I only post this because I care, and I know it can help if you would only be willing to try. It’s your choice, but please understand that if you continue doing the same things you will get the same results. Good luck.

  2. you were in my dream the other day.. or I was in yours.. I’m so sorry love. Hugs and all the support you need/want/can handle.

  3. So sorry to hear about everything Vaughn. V has battled alcohol abuse for years, I know how it tears everything apart. We’re here if you need us.

    1. That helps to hear. Not sure how many more times of putting things back together I really have at this point but I keep trying for some reason.

  4. I’m proud of you for trying. I know you said it didn’t work for you in the past but I still hope you’ll consider some kind of program. I really don’t think most people can do it on their own and I really want to see you succeed.

    1. Well, I never said I wouldn’t but just seems there isn’t the same support system as what was in Atlanta. Looking for something though.

  5. Wishing you the best. Just know YOU can do this. You said you were not ready before, but you want this now. This is it! This is your time. Do this for you. The key is you want this now.

    1. I do want it but sometimes what you want doesn’t exactly take place or materialize. All I can do is stay out of my own way.

  6. it’s all we ever have is today- the key is not to beat your self up over any of and work with the current moment -i know for me being creative is the only thing that keeps me there -nothing else is real moral to the story go grab a paint brush

    1. Not beating on myself has always been the toughest thing for me Will. I feel like I’ve let everyone around me down again and I know I should focus on me but guilt and anger..two biggest road blocks I seem to have. I have been painting though and some days it helps and others…I just don’t know why I bother.

  7. i was 3 months sober last year, then moved back to my home town to be closer to family and it all went to hell. just like you, i’m doing all i can to destroy my relationships and lose my family, not that that’s ever what we try to do, it’s just what results from us thinking we’re safe enough to have a quiet few. the 3 months sober was definitely thanks to an alcohol counsellor. it helped because she had nothing invested in my drinking OR my sobriety, and no ties to anyone in my life but me. Plus, it’s her job to listen to me so I didn’t feel like I was burdening anyone with my stuff.. Good luck Vaughn. It’s one thing to know you have a problem and ignore it, and another thing to actually face it. I know the black shame of slipping past the middle of the bottle all too well. Best wishes.

    1. I’m coming to grips with the way my relationship situation has gone. It’s one of those “things you can’t control so let it go” situations. The rest? Well…I can salvage my dignity and I know my family isn’t going anywhere yet. The idea of a counselor has crossed my mind. Maybe I will look into that as well. Thanks for the support and suggestion.

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